Now that Canada has unleashed a vicious and totally undeserved trade war on its defenseless neighbors to the South, I must finally come in from out of the cold.
For the past several years I have been slipping across the border to secretly document Oh Canada’s insidious plot to make the U.S. its unwilling 11th Province.
Listen, I’m not saying I did this at the behest of our Dear Leader. But I ain’t saying I didn’t.
To begin with, Oh Canada has been quietly nursing a grudge against the U.S. for a couple hundred years now…alleging that we somehow tried to invade them back when the Brits were hijacking our sailors and burning down Washington, D.C.
Totally fake news.
I went to Ottawa to see the sculpture in front of Parliament in honor of the rag-tag group of Canadians who allegedly fought off aggressors from the south.
But as anyone can tell just by looking at the so-called defender on the far left, it’s clear that this sculpture is as phony as the photos of the alleged moon landing.
I mean, who dressed like that in 1812?
In the town of Sutton, just over the Vermont border, they still brag about how much money they made running whisky into the states during Prohibition.
But today you can’t even get a shot of honest Kentucky bourbon up there in the land of rum runners. No, they want you to drink Canadian Club and, God help us, “Boozy shakes,” instead of Jack and Coke.
Mark Carney wants you to believe that this war is because of Trump’s unreasonable tariff demands. But the truth is that Canada has been nursing a trade grudge against the U.S. ever since Hershey stopped making chocolate in Smiths Falls and they had to package cannibus in Hershey’s old digs.
In a deliberate insult to American culture and values, some Canadians openly speak French. And they blatantly use language no real American can read on their signs, billboards and posters.
From a very young age Canadians are indoctrinated (dare I say brainwashed?) to support radical causes and ideas that are offensive to God-fearing Americans.
For instance, Canadians are indoctrinated to believe that climate change is real. Exactly the opposite of what we now know to be the gospel truth on this side of the border.
Not to mention the fact that Canadians openly adore an ex-President who probably wasn’t even born in the U.S. And who we now know, thanks to MAGA, was responsible for every single terrible thing that ever happened to our country,
Except for Biden, of course. Biden was way worse than Obama.
The last time I was in Ottawa’s National Gallery they had a giant Canadian with giant binoculars spying on the U.S. Embassy just across the street.
This act of aggression being directed against a building that has no means of defense. Except for steel gates, cameras, anti-car bomb risers, razor-wire, tear gas, attack dogs, marines, space lasars…
…oh yes, and a building so ugly it’d never occur to anyone that America would publicly associate itself with such an eyesore
Speaking of the National Gallery, it is stuffed to the gills with blatantly anti-American content celebrating immigration, diversity and empathy for others. As though it never occurred to Gallery staff that real American tourists from Iowa and Alabama appreciate art as well as the next Joe.
At great personal risk I managed to suss out some of Canada’s more insidious plans for the forthcoming American invasion.
They include using cranes to lower Canadian drummer corps into occupied American cities.
Training Canadian deer to attack Humvees.
And breeding giant spiders to eat American tourists.
Listen, you can’t even spit in Canada. But you can publicly denegrate our Dear Leader. Draw your own conclusions, America.
I mean, what has Trump ever done to Canada?
I of course am just one man. And every time I slip across the border in search of the facts I put my very life art risk.
But I gotta do it, America.
Because if not me, then who?
FreeGNV 