So there I was lounging, indolently, on the deck of the summer cottage we had rented on the balmy shores of Ontario’s Otty Lake.
Minding my own business.
When The Donald Called Me To Arms.
Canada, he raged, is not properly managing its “Forests and Brush therein.” And as a result, the U S of A is being “unnecessarily invaded by filthy, polluted and unhealthy air.”
My Fearless Leader threatened everything short of invasion for Canada’s “Willful Negligence.”
And, hell, for all I know he may be right.
But being a good-hearted ‘merican possessed of good old American know-how, I naturally decided to give my host country the benefit of a doubt.
Maybe they just didn’t know how to manage their “Forests and Brush therein,” I reasoned. And so, I resolved to give ‘em a helping hand.
I took myself down to Canada Tire (their Walmart) and stocked up on FM supplies.
One rake. One Super Soaker.
Oh, and, just to add a dash of panache, a pair of those kicky, shiny white boots that our Great DeSanitizer showed off to such dreamy advantage that time he inspected Florida for hurricane damage.
And then I duly reported to the Perth fire station.
“Can I help you sir?”
“I’m a patriotic ‘merican and I’m here to help you manage your Forests and Brush therein and put out your fires.”
“We don’t have any fires here.”
“What? According to our Dear Leader, your whole damned country is aflame from Willful Negligence.”
“No, sir. The nearest fires are a couple hundred miles north or here.”
“Well, then take me to them.”
“There aren’t any actual roads up there, sir. So we’d need to drop you in by parachute.”
“Hum….”
Curse my bad knees!
Long story short, after a round of shrewd bilateral negotiations I was posted back to my lakeside deck. There to await the Call of Duty in the almost certain event that those Forests and Brush therein fires finally reach Otty shores.
But no sooner had I settled into my duty post than events overtook me once again.
“I am going to California to turn the GIANT FAUCET exactly 37 DEGREES TO THE RIGHT,” posted our Great Orange Cheeto. “I will turn it, Canada will stop burning, and America will have clean air again.”
Now, some Doubting Toms may suspect the GIANT FAUCET post was so outlandish that it had to be a phony designed to make Our Donald look foolish and addled.
But the idea struck me as a stroke of genius.
Alas, I realized that, once again, I was woefully underequipped to do my bit as a Goodwill ‘merican Ambassador to our future 51st state.
So I high tailed it back to Canada Tire.
And bought an umbrella.
FreeGNV 