Oh The Donald! The Donald!
Why am I the one who always has to pull your, um, chestnuts out of the fire?
It’s a dirty job, First Donald. I mean, where the hell’s that Miller guy doing?
Sigh! OK, just this one last time then.
Embarrassed by the whole Green Reflecting Pool cockup? No need to be. You can turn this one around just like that…and maybe even snag that elusive Nobel Prize you’ve been drooling over for so, so long.
How? Simple.
Don’t grouse about the algae in the Reflecting Pool.
Praise the algae in the Reflecting Pool.
Say that algae’s gonna Make America Great Again.
It’s algae, Dude! You know what algae is good for?
You can make fuel out of it! And it’s carbon-based! (Like every other living thing on this planet) so nobody can accuse you of going over to the Green Side.
But, hey, don’t take my word for it. Just read the most Highly Respected Scientific Journal In The Known Universe.
I’m referring, of course, to Popular Mechanics.
Scientists “are working on a way to make renewable diesel fuel from algae” reports PM.
Yeah, we’ve been making bio-diesel fuel from corn and soybeans for a long time. But as PM points out “Algae is cheaper and faster to grow…And of course, nobody eats algae.”
Well, maybe that Miller creature does. But I digress.
There’s a catch, of course. Continues PM, “The only reason we don’t currently use algae to make biodiesel is because nobody has yet figured out how to do it.”
But don’t dispair, The Donald. That offending sentence appears at the very end of, like, the second of third really long paragraph. And nobody reads down that far.
The Grand Algae Plan
So here’s The Plan First Donald:
You hold a press conference. And announce, with great fanfare, that in honor of the America’s 250th birthday, you are turning the Reflecting Pool into a research lab.
And embarking on a crash course, super secret project to grow algae diesel gas.
By the 4th of July. Which will henceforth be called Energy Independence Day.
At which point every American who still owns a diesel-powered car – hell, there must be some of ‘em still out there – will be invited to pull up to the White House front lawn and gas up.
For free!
Course, the chances of even a crash course, super secret research project developing burnable algae gas by the 4th are zilch. But that won’t matter.
Because, like I already said, it’s a super secret project. Which means you can throw a big wall up all around the reflecting pool. Topped with barbed wire and machine guns.
Then you truck in all manner of tanks, tubes and assorted other scientific looking, Potemkin Village-style props.
And post the National Guard all around it to keep America’s most important (and beautiful) crash-course super secret scientific research undertaking since – oh I dunno, the Manhattan Project.
Or maybe even the discovery of the Coke formula.
And the really good news? The National Guard is already there, Dude! Hell, the guards are so bored they’re picking up litter.
The rest is easy-peasy.
Pull a diesel fuel truck up behind the White House in the dead of night. Listen, with your appetites everybody will assume it’s filled with Diet Coke.
And then hook it up to the pump out front via a super secret tunnel gouged out in the wee hours by whichever buddy-donor-vendor is next on your list to get a sweetheart deal.
But wait! There’s more
Best part? All of the above is merely Part 1 of a 2-part Devious Plan.
The 4th comes and goes, see. And then you, First Donald, announce with equally great fanfare (one of your cronie vendors will be glad to get the no-bid contract for gold-leaf fare fans) that:
Ta Da!
The Reflecting Pool Super Secret Research Project Will Continue To Be Super Secret Until Your Team Of Crack Scientists Figure Out How to Turn Algae Into Real American Gasoline!
Cause diesel is soooo last century.
BTW, the beauty of this scheme is that, these days, algae is spreading everywhere due to, you know, climate change and stuff.
Even though climate change isn’t a thing.
This is your chance to make hay (I mean gas) while the climate cooks.
Your Department of Endless Energy mavens will start “harvesting” algae all the way from the Great Lakes to the Floriduh Keys and trucking it off to even larger and more heavily guarded crash course, super secret research facilities.
You can use Alligator Alcatraz here in Floriduh. I hear it’s empty now.
At the same time your mavens will be secretly piping millions of gallons of hydrogen peroxide into the Great Lakes and Floriduh Key waters so the algae won’t come back.
This is important because the best way to pump up algae gas prices is to make algae a scarce resource.
Oslo here you come!
Iran, close those straits, we don’t care.
Fake science, fake news
Naturally, so-called “legitimate” scientists are gonna say what you’re trying to is impossible. But these are the same guys who keep saying vaccines are good for us, so their credibility is already shot.
Plus, when the Legacy Media Machine reports that it can’t work…well…two words, First Dude.
Fake News.
Yeah, the whole algae house of cards will eventually collapse under its own weight sooner or later.
But with any luck at all you will be out of office (and hopefully still out of jail) by the time that happens.
At which point you blame the Democrats for cocking it up to make you and your legacy look bad.
You’re welcome, The Donald.
Now can you do me a solid?
Next time that Miller guy makes a McDonalds run for you, could you have him pick up a Big Arch for me.
With, like, extra bacon and cheese?
FreeGNV 