It occurs to me that we – and by we I mean the University of Florida’s Board of Trustees – could have saved a lot of time, trouble and misery by going about UF’s presidential search differently.
Listen, I understand the Catholic Papal Selection Process as well as anybody.
A bunch of Cardinals lock themselves into a room and do – well, whatever it is they do in there – until they are ready to blow some white smoke up our…um…I mean through a chimney.
Which alerts God and Everybody that just one single carbon based life form – and by which I mean the only single carbon based life form in the entire known universe – is qualified to be the next Pope.
How and why this single carbon based life form is the only carbon based life form in the entire known universe qualified to become the next Pope is nobody’s business but….
…the cardinals who locked themselves into a room and did whatever it is they were doing until they were prepared to…
…you know…
blow smoke.
Alas, this Time Tested Human Resources Selection Process may have worked in Rome for several centuries. But all available evidence is that it’s got some fatal flaws when applied to Florida’s Flagship University.
For the second time in a row, the Cardinals charged with ramming a new president down the throats of we, the Gator Nation, have run into…um…difficulties.
The Board’s white smoke signifying that they have discovered The Only Carbon Based Life Form Candidate In The Known Universe Fit To Become President Of The University Of Florida has been met with skepticism, resistance and outrage from critics such as U.S. Sen. Rick Scott.
Why all the secrecy?
What about that $2 million payout promised the Interim UF President if he didn’t get the final nod?
Wait! Isn’t this the second time in a row the UF College Of Cardinals somehow decided that the only carbon based life form qualified to run the University of Florida is also a disciple of – GASP! – DEI?
WTF! This is the Free State Of Floriduh! It’s where woke goes to die!
Listen, if I may be so bold, let me suggest that our Gator College of Cardinals is going about this whole thing all wrong.
Are you trying to tell us that our Cardinals couldn’t find a single qualified carbon based life form in all the known universe who promised to banish protesting students, burn faculty at the stake for committing the Cardinal Sin of exercising their Academic Freedom and purge staffers guilty of committing the Original Sin of criticizing Charlie Kirk on Social Media?
No, this is so wrong on so many levels.
Process matters, Gators.
Allow me to suggest an alternative selection system that won’t depend on blowing white smoke up everybody’s, um, posteriors.
Personally I like the Lady In The Lake/Sword In the Stone method of presidential selection.
It is the very essence of simplicity.
Step 1: A maiden, clad in UF cheerleaders garb, emerges from Lake Alice and tosses a broadsword – we will call it Gatorcalibur – to the huddled cardinals waiting with breathless anticipation on the muddy shores.
Step 2: The Gator Cardinals form a procession to the UF Materials Science Department. Where they charge the wizards within to conjure up the toughest, hardest, most impenatrable substance imaginable.
Step 3: After which they pour the substance into one of those galvanized tubs that typically hold ice to cool beer kegs. Into which they insert said sword received from the cheerleading Lady Of Lake Alice.
Said beer keg tub to then be situated on the 50-yard line of The Sacred Swamp.
Here’s where the genius of this process emerges.
Every carbon based life form in the known universe is invited to come, grasp the sword hilt, and try to yank it free of its beer keg holding tub.
Many will try. None will succeed.
At which point the UF College of Sorcerers will bring forth their previously (and secretly) agreed upon candidate. And slip him (trust me, it will never be a her) the secret formula to dissolve the aforementioned impenetrable substance.
After which the Chosen One will grasp the hilt, withdraw the sword, and proceed to the Tigert Hall Throne Room to the accompaniment of throngs of cheering, adoring Gators.
Because after such an open and public selection process, who among God, Gators, the taxpayers and everybody could possibly question the fairness of that selection?
Eat your heart out Rick Scott.
Or should I call you Mordred?
Listen, I’m really getting tired of pulling UF’s chestnuts out of the fire. Could we please just get our act together and at least pretend that we know what the hell we’re doing?
Alternatively, we could of course conduct a presidential search in compliance with the letter and traditions of Florida’s venerable Sunshine Law.
Who am I kidding?
Hell, I know there’s a cheerleader somewhere in Lake Alice.
FreeGNV 