Let me say this about that.
To all of you pearl clutchers (I’m looking at you, Harvey) who are predicting the End Of Life The Universe And Everything if The Great DeSanitizer’s plan to shrink property taxes to the size that we can drown em in a bathtub passes.
Yes, of course property taxes are the lifeblood of cities and counties.
And yes, of course Tallahassee’s promise to, somehow, some way, hold cities and counties harmless through grants or scrip or, I dunno, maybe bake sales is worth exactly the paper feckless politicians didn’t bother to print it on.
And, yes, it’s no skin off The Great DeSanitizer’s nose if Florida cities and counties go belly up after he leaves office.
Hell, by the time this thing passes our anti-Ron will be off running for President again.
He’ll brag that he abolished Florida property taxes and, thus, richly deserves to be the Great Orange Cheeto’s successor. Because, you know, the only other obvious successor – P.T. Barnum – is long dead and buried.
Spoiler alert: It won’t do our anti-Ron any good. As the most unlikable carbon-based life form in this or any other universe, our soon to be unlamented Great DeSanitizer couldn’t get elected Mayberry dog catcher if his only opponent was Otis the town drunk.
Hell, even Barney liked Otis.
But I digress.
The point is that we as a nation, state, society, species or whatever the hell are those single cell organisms you can only see under a microscope have clearly embarked on a brand new era of government funding evolution.
Or devolution if you will.
Call it the Entrepreneurial Chaos Theory of government financing.
Um, ECT.
It works like this:
Don’t like taxes? Abolish them.
And then just wait and see what happens next.
The above mentioned clutchers will tell you that what happens next is: No more police, no more fire-rescue, no more parks or libraries, no more development review, no more homeless shelters, no more animal shelters…
….no more nuttin.
But that flies in the face of human nature. Not to mention physics.
Listen, human nature, like physics, hates a vacuum. Somebody, or something, is bound to rush in to fill all of that empty space.
Hey, remember that great scene from Gangs Of New York when something catches on fire? And two rival fire departments duke it out to see which one gets to put out the conflagration?
Yeah! That’s Entrepreneurial Chaos Theory in action.
A public library? What the hell! These days you can hardly drive down a neighborhood street without running over one of those cute “Take a book, leave a book” nooks.
Just stop running over em. Void filled.
Parks? Pay per entry turnstiles. Only they gotta be higher than NYC’s subway turnstiles to keep free merry-go-round riders from jumpin over em.
How about (gasp!) new development and (gulp!) zoning? Talk about your fertile fields for replowing.
Commercial property owners can’t claim homesteads. So the more aluminum siding companies GNV permits up and down University Ave the better.
Which brings me to zoning. We’ve been using exclusionary zoning for generations to protect property values of existing homeowners by pretty much making it impossible for “those people” to move in next door.
Listen, I like my neighbors, but they’re not gonna be paying their way any more. If it’ll take a tatoo emporium, instant loan drop-by or plasma collection parlor popping up across the street to keep a cop on the beat, so be it.
Hey, here’s an idea: Ring and Loblolly parks? How about creekside, high-rise, non-homestead apartments? Get that property back on the tax rolls.
Hell, we’re just scratching the surface here.
Elections are expensive. And we know they’re rigged anyway. So from now on we pick our city and county commissioners by mandatory lottery.
You know, the way we used to decide who was gonna go to Vietnam.
Speaking of which, the state has been using a lottery to pick up extra cash for decades.
Introducing GNV Lotto Scratch-Off. Only instead of cash, winners can park downtown for free, or get a pass on those pesky red-light running cameras.
And don’t even get me started on sin taxes. Church bingo? Gumment gets to wet its beak!
Plus, it’s no secret that city and county officials hate each other. And the small cities hate big GNV with a passion.
Monetize the hate, I say.
Saturday night cage fights on the courthouse square. No rules.
GNV’s Hogtown Brawler vs. Newberry’s Springs County Sprawler.
Harvey The Masked Dem vs. Marden The John Birch Throwback.
Brass knucks encouraged.
Listen, I came up with these entrepreneurial chaos schemes to keep the cash rolling in just while waiting for the Suburu folks to service my car.
Imagine what we can think of in more than an hour if we put our, um, collective heads together.
Sell City Hall then lease it back. It worked for the private equity conglomerate that bought The Sun.
Better yet, just sell City Hall. And run local gumment out of a big tent at Citizens Field (since we won’t be able to afford a new high school football stadium anyway.)
Contract with Wal Mart for Code Enforcement greeters.
Sell the city and county fleets and make ‘em ride bicycles. Cheaper and healthier.
Gimme your best ECT proposal, people.
And remember, there are no bad ideas.
Only bad taxes.
FreeGNV 