Listen, I am nothing if not helpful, especially to new kids on the block.
On assuming the helm at UF, Ben Sasse sent an e-mail to inform faculty and staff that he was commencing his “transition tutorials.”
Because, you know Toto, he’s not in Nebraska anymore.
Anyway, Sasse posed a number of tutorial questions. As someone who has been around the town-gown block a couple of times – and as a (self)certified Trained Observer Of The Human Condition – I am happy to provide a cheat sheet for some of Prez Ben’s most vexing questions.
Sasse: Let us not duck the hardest questions about who we’re serving, and how we know if we’re being effective enough.
You are serving The DeSanitizer. Your effectiveness will be judged by what you’ve done to get him into the White House. Lately.
Question: How will we champion pluralism, curiosity, viewpoint diversity, open debate, and intellectual rigor for our students and faculty?
Answer: Ixnay on the diversinay wordnay Bengay. The DeSanitizer hates that word.
Q: What are the biggest challenges?
A: Finding enough bed sheets to cover up all those books while UF’s libraries are being purged.
Keeping a straight face when telling faculty that academic freedom is still a thing.
Q: How do we ensure UF is an attractive home for more top-tier talent across the widest range of disciplines?
A: Tell them they don’t need no stinkin’ tenure at UF.
And that even if some loopy student says he’s been “indoctrinated” in one of their classes it will in no way jeopardize their job.
Basically lie to them.
A: How do we ensure UF is an attractive home for more top-tier talent across the widest range of disciplines?
A: Establish an endowed Koch Brothers Chair for the study of Business Ethics And Government Relations.
Recruit new faculty exclusively from the Cato Institute, the Heritage Foundation and the Federalist Society.
Become a branch campus of Hillsdale College.
Q: How do we better steward our taxpayer resources and more clearly explain our budget prioritization decisions?
A: Put lots of Republican ex-legislators on the payroll. There may be a bidding war for Richard Corcoran.
Q: What seemingly settled disciplinary and departmental boundaries should be reconsidered?
A: Basically junk any discipline or department that’s been infected by the word “liberal.” As in Liberal Arts And Sciences.
Q: Who are the best partners for UF Health?
A: The DeSanitizer’s favorite mystic and medic, Joseph Lapado, will hook you up with the International Association Of Physicians Who Still Use Leeches.
Q: How do we help Gator athletics win more while keeping our integrity at the forefront?
A: Throwing millions of dollars at Gator sports isn’t working.
Try throwing billions.
Helpful hint: Launder NIL cash through the college formerly known as Liberal Arts And Sciences.
Q: How will we make sure Gators are life-long learners?
A: Tell them they can’t possibly digest both Testaments in four short years.
Then offer continuing ed courses in Unwoke Biblical Studies to remind Gator alum that The DeSanitizer was sent by God to save America.
Welcome aboard the Flagship formerly known as the University of Florida Ben.
Oh, and if a student knocks on your door…just don’t answer.
FreeGNV 