Cunningham! If you’re so damned critical of our wonderful state, why the hell don’t you just up and leave?
Yeah, I’ve heard that before. The quick answer is that Connecticut doesn’t have cow-mauling gators, zip-tied iguanas or a guv who celebrates diluting Black votes by doing a tasteless (not to mention really bad) imitation of a Black man.
Hell, I live here because there is not another place in all of creation that is as entertaining as this here Free State Of Floriduh.
So let’s get to it, shall we?
Wild Florida wildlife
Yes, a gator attacked a full grown cow in Lake County and tried to pull it into the water, presumably for tenderizing. Officials humanely euthanized the wounded cow. The gator got clean away.
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But that’s not all folks!
Police in Polk County pulled over a guy in a pickup truck. As reported by the Tampa Bay Times, “They found coolers full of iced tilapia. More strangely, they found 13 live iguanas ‘with feet zip tied behind their backs,’ the Highway Patrol’s news release states.”
The driver, apparently on his way to North Carolina, was arrested. Meanwhile, the “iguanas were turned over to a local rescue shelter…Iguanas are not native to Florida and are considered something of a pest..”
Wait! If iguanas are pests, why didn’t they pat the guy on the back, send him on his merry way and ask him to come back soon with a lot more zip ties?
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But that’s not all folks!
Listen, I don’t know which is more baffling. The fact that somebody allowed dozens of sloths to die while trying to import them to Floriduh’s new Sloth World tourist attraction…
Or the fact that somebody actually thought that Sloth World would be a great Floriduh theme park. I mean, what were they planning…the world’s slowest roller coaster?
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But that’s not all folks!
In Florida’s continuing fight against invasive pythons, scientists are attaching GPS-collars to opossums and sending them out into the wild to be eaten by pythons – who are apparently suckers for succulent opossums.”
Then they zero on on the now GPS-ingested reptiles and kill ‘em.
“Thanks to this method, 18 large pythons have been captured. Many of these snakes-often females-would have laid between 30 and 60 eggs during the spring had they not been intercepted,” reports the Miami Herald.
Nah, don’t feel sorry for the opossums. The pythons are gonna eat them whether they’re tagged or not.
Listen, I been saying for years that, in Florida, anything you don’t eat is liable to eat you.
Just please don’t try to do Barry White
Yes it’s true. Having rammed his “race blind” (aka racist) congressional redistricting map through a compliant Legislature, our Great DeSanitizer put on his best Barry White voice to take a stab at Hakeem Jeffries, the Black House Democratic Leader.
Jeffries, our Guv drawled, “goes out there, and he’s like, um, ‘we’re gonna do maximum warfare against Republicans. Florida Republicans, you F around, you gonna find out,’ all this stuff.”
The Guv “often deepens his voice to parody his critics as sounding dumb,” notes Florida Politics.
Rubbing salt in Black wounds being a favorite pastime for our anti-Ron. Just be grateful that he was too young to listen to Amos and Andy on the radio.
Cause and in-effect–ual
Speaking of salt rubs, U.S. Sen. Rick Scott, our former Guv, has been rubbing salt into his successor’s wounds, making critical comments about Floridah’s dismal jobs situation.
“Florida had one of the worst performing job markets over the past year,” Scott posted on X. “Our state needs to stay focused on adding private sector jobs and driving down cost of living — just like President Trump is trying to do across the country,”
Say, here’s an idea: How about stimulating job growth by doing something about soaring gas prices? And maybe stopping Trump’s obscene spending on the war in Iran?
Nah! We’re gonna “spend the money it takes” to beat Iran, Scott says. Oh yeah, and expensive gas is “worth it” if it means beating them Iranians.
So suck it up Floriduh and let’s grow some jobs that don’t need cheap gas or peace to flourish. Like, I dunno, ox-plowed farming.
Come and git him
Kudos to Mark Davis, Florida Air Force veteran and unaffiliated congressional candidate for his in-your-face taunt to fellow Floridian and Great Orange Cheeto.
After former FBI director (and Trump sworn enemy) James Comey was indicted for posting a photo of sea shells spelling out “86” and “47” Davis began selling t-shirts, license plates and hats all bearing those same threatening numbers.
“Arrest us all. I dare you,” Davis says. “I am done staying quiet. I’ve got a family, I’ve got kids, and I’m watching this country get dragged through chaos.”
Plus, they are pretty cool numbers.
Don’t want no ‘Armenians’
Leave it to U.S. Rep. Randy Fine (aka Floriduh’s Offender In Chief) to find yet another group to scapegoat. I mean, who stays up nights worrying that an Armenian may get elected to Congress?
Well, Fine does. Presumably because an Armenian-American has the effrontery to run against Floriduh’s self-anointed “Hebrew Hammer.”
“We don’t want Armenians to be able to serve in Congress,” Fine says.
No surprise. We already know this guy would rather see dogs in Congress than Muslims.
Listen, the way Fine’s been ranting, it’s entirely possible he actually said “We don’t want any Americans to be able to serve in Congress.” And he was just misquoted.
Take this influencer….please
Wow! Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd is a take-no-prisoners kind of cop. In announcing the arrests of a couple hundred people on charges of human trafficking, Judd went out of his way to highlight one particular suspect: Craig Long, a social media influencer with ties to the Trump klan.
“You know, he moves in big circles, even with the president,” Judd said, brandishing a photo of Long with Trump and son. Judd added “Well, there you go, he got arrested in a human trafficking sting. Influence that for a while.”
Judd also gave, um, honorable mention to another arrestee, Ryan Yates, who had previously been sentenced to prison for his part in the Jan. 6 riot but got pardoned by Trump.
“He got away with it with the federal system, but not here,” Judd said. “He came here to violate the law…he didn’t resist us like he did the Capitol Police. He knew better.”
Ouch!
Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize
Oh yeah, and a big shout-out to state Rep. Angie Nixon (Dem) for bringing along a dress-matching hot pink bullhorn to make her voice heard while our Republican legislature was steamrolling over the voting rights of non-white (aka Black) Floridians.
“This is an assault on our democracy!” Nixon boomed. “This a violation of the Constitution! It is!”
Nixon’s poor decorum, our Great DeSanitizer said, is “unfortunately emblematic. of the modern-day Democrat Party, to just scream and yell and try to disrupt the proceedings just ’cause you don’t get your way,”
And he’s right, really. If Dems would just shut up and sit down they’d be a lot better off in this here Free State Of Floriduh.
Provided, of course, that they also switched their registrations to Republican.
Farmers yes, consumers no
And I would be remiss if I didn’t recognize the outstanding advocacy of our very own U.S. Rep. Kat Cammack (aka Mad Momma Kat). She is a prime sponsor of the deceptively named FRESH Act, which would relieve farmers of the regulatory burden of having to disclose bothersome information about what sort of chemicals they’re using to grow crops.
Sarah Sorscher, Director of Regulatory Affairs for the Center for Science in the Public Interest, writes “While promising to strengthen food safety, the bill has two big rotten worms at its core: provisions that would broadly block state food safety policies while weakening current FDA authority over premarket safety review for substances used in foods.”
Chimes in Brian Ronholm, director of Food Policy: “At a time when consumers are demanding the removal of toxic chemicals in their food and greater transparency about food ingredients, the FRESH Act would instead weaken existing regulations that provide a layer of critical protections for consumers.”
All of which sounds really bad when you say it like that.
On the other hand, leftist groups like the Center for Science in the Public Interest and Food Policy will probably be added to The Great DeSanitizer’s list of designated domestic terrorist organizations pretty soon. So who cares what they think?
Eat your heart out Connecticut.
FreeGNV 