auto-Floriduh anarchy

That’s right, it’s time for another edition of my ongoing auto-American Anarchy series. Only this time it’s all Floriduh all the time.

And guess what? It wasn’t even hard to find enough examples of auto-Floriduh Anarchy to fill up this space.

Wait! I hit what?

Sorry, but this month’s Floriduh Man Auto Achievement Award actually goes to a Floriduh woman. And it wasn’t even close.

The most widely-viewed current Floriduh (wo)man on-line video of note is the one of the woman who climbed into her lifted Chevy Silverado, took off across a parking lot…and ran over a quarter million dollar Lamborghini.

Either she didn’t see it because it only sat about 4 inches off the ground. Or she was suffering from altitude sickness. Take your pick.

But worry not. There is a happy ending. The Lambo owner was so happy to still be alive that he said “Thank you God for another day and another chance.”

Auto-pilot don’t cut it

But wait! Turns out that our second place AA achievement award goes to another Floriduh (wo)man. Police found a woman passed out in her Tesla…which had come to a stop in a middle lane on I-5 at about 2 a.m.

Wait, there’s more. As per one report, the woman had been. “using the Tesla’s Autopilot feature” while she dozed off.

FPH points out that, autopilot notwithstanding, “a driver must be sober, awake, alert, hands on the wheel, and eyes on the road.”

Consider it a, um, wake up call.

Take to the air Junior Birdmen

Speaking of Floriduh Man. Our future-looking Guv just signed a bill that will commit state funds for the construction of “vertiports.”

You know, platforms that will enable VTOL (vertical take off and landing) air taxis to hover down, pick up passengers, and then rise up to the skies again.

What’s that you say? There aren’t any VTOL taxis? Well there will be…in a decade maybe. Or after the turn of the next century. I mean, haven’t you ever watched The Jetsons?

Listen, sooner or later, The Great DeSanitizer assures us, VTOLs are gonna solve Floriduh’s congestion problems.

In any event, Jalopnik suggests, Floriduh’s vertiports “will likely be limited to the state’s array of wealthy, tax-dodging citizens because most of these vehicles cost well past the half-million dollar mark.”

A billion here, a billion there

While we’re waiting for the Dawn Of VTOLs, Floriduh DOT is promising more immediate congestion relief for harried I-4 commuters. Additional lanes will be added to a 14-mile stretch of I-4 between Polk and Osceola counties….at a cost of a mere $2.5 billion.

“But relief for how long?,” asks a column in the Tampa Bay Times. “When I-4 expanded from two to three lanes, the new capacity temporarily reduced travel times. More vehicles soon erased those gains.”

“So here we are, paying $2.5 billion to improve a relatively short stretch of one major road, an amount that could cover Tampa’s annual budget, with enough left to award every Hillsborough sheriff’s deputy a $315,000 bonus.”

Keep your wheel on pal

On the other hand, I’ve been saying for years that congestion is just another form of traffic calming. Creeping along bumper-to-bumper leaves less opportunity for reckless drivers to do stupid things.

Case in point, and on I-4 no less: Consider this account.

“A Florida driver accused of triggering multiple hit-and-run crashes along Interstate 4 did not stop when things started to go wrong. According to deputies, he kept going, even after the kind of damage that usually ends a drive immediately.”

“At some point, the truck struck a guardrail and lost a front wheel. Instead of pulling over, deputies say the driver continued down I-4, exiting the interstate while still moving on what was left of the vehicle.”

Eventually cops tracked down the errant driver at a construction site in Debarry. Listen, I’d like to see the guy try that sort of nonsense in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Dazed and distracted in Floriduh

On the other hand, it’s entirely possible that the guy didn’t even notice that he was causing serial hit and run crashes and losing one of his wheels in the process. He could have been just one more Floriduh distracted driver.

“Troopers say distracted driving is only getting worse across Florida,” reports WFTV9.”The numbers show that a crash happens every 44 seconds in Florida, and one in seven crashes involves distracted drivers…citations for texting and driving have increased 45% since 2021.”

“However, for three years now, a hands-free driving bill has stalled in the Florida legislature. Supporters say the bill is necessary for safer roads, but opponents argue it goes too far.”

Anyway, if God wanted Floriduh men to keep their hands on the wheel, he wouldn’t have invented autopilot.

Do not try this at home

Yes, a 17-year old kid here in GNV sustained serious injuries when he attempted to jump over a Chevy Camaro that his buddy was driving at 45 mph. “There’s a lot of stunts that are out there on social media platforms. Don’t try them. I’m sure they did not have this in mind when they did it, but it can end tragically,” advises GPD.

On the other hand, if it wasn’t perfectly safe they wouldn’t post all those guys-jumping-cars videos on YouTube, Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook and the like.

Would they?

Shooting blanks

I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the guy who got pulled over because the truck of his pickup was sprouting missiles.

As per Jalopnik: “The Florida Highway Patrol pulled over a missile truck last week. No, not an official HIMARS artillery system — we mean a Ford Maverick pickup truck sporting a brace of rocket-propelled ordnance in the flatbed. When the cops went to go see who the driver was, they were stunned to discover that it was none other than a Florida Man!”

Troopers called in the bomb squad, which determined that the missiles were replicas and not the real deals. But all was not lost: Troopers were happy to pose for selfies in front of all that faux ordinance.

Is this a great state or what?

What! Him Again?

And of course no Floriduh auto-Anarchy report would be complete without bringing up the latest news about serial Floriduh car crasher Tiger Woods.

As per ESPN, Woods ”told authorities that he was looking down at his cell phone and changing the radio station in his SUV, which caused him not to see a truck slowing down before his rollover crash last week on Jupiter Island.”

“After Woods agreed to perform field sobriety exercises, the deputy observed him ‘limping and stumbling to the right.’ Woods told the deputy that he’d had seven back surgeries and more than 20 operations on his right leg, which he’d severely injured in a car wreck outside Los Angeles in February 2021.”

Mitigating circumstances perhaps?

Oh yeah, after climbing out of his car, Woods got on his phone and told deputies “I was talking to the President.”

The White House did not immediately respond when asked to comment.

And a couple a kudos as well

Listen, I don’t want to leave anybody with the impression that all is auto-anarchy in this here Free State Of Floriduh. Let’s give some credit where credit’s due.

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Kudos to the GNV City Commission for voting to install red-light running cameras at the intersections of Northeast 39th Avenue (SR 222) and Northeast Waldo Road (SR 331), and Northwest Sixth Street (SR 20) and Northwest 23rd Avenue (CR 172).

Yeah, I know, all you Floriduh auto-anarchists are gonna say this is nothing but a money making scheme. And that, anyway, 99 out of 100 times a car runs a red lights nobody even gets killed.

But, seriously, it’s the right thing to do.

Mayor Harvey Ward said ”I watched three of them (red light runners) yesterday in the space of a half an hour. They weren’t at these two intersections. These two intersections are the ones that the data show us have the most trouble which means the ones I watched weren’t in the top two.”

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And while I’m at it, one more Kudo to the planned community of Babcock Ranch, for throwing in a free golf cart to new home buyers.

As per Streetsblog USA, “many of these caddy wagons aren’t zipping around the links — they’re replacing car trips. Long before the golf cart promotion, Babock Ranch set out to create a haven for the “joy of golf cart living,” using Vision Zero tools like low speed limits, dedicated non-automotive paths and dense land use that places everything residents need within the seven-mile radius of the community.”

Plus golf carts are cool: Especially when you spiff ‘em up to look like…you know…real cars.