Floriduh, Floriduh
I know it sounds a bit bizarre
But in Floriduh, Floriduh
That’s how conditions are.
The Official State Song of Floriduh. Sung to the tune of Camelot
Seriously, people, they can’t even make this stuff up in other states.
And to prove it, here are the latest Looney Tunes State dispatches about the antics and doings of Floriduh politicians and policy makers Bugs, Daffy, Sylvester, Tweety and the Martian.
Stupidity is contagious
Listen, you can’t call it the Free State of Florida if a parents don’t have the freedom to let their kids infect the kids of other parents.
Thus Floriduh’s renown Surgeon General and three times winner of the Nobel Magic Thinking In Medicine Prize just announced that his will be the first state in the nation to eliminate all vaccination requirements for attending school.
Why? Because slavery, of course.
Measles, mumps, rubella, polio….
“All of them. Every last one of them,” Joseph Ladapo announced. “Every last one of them is wrong and drips with disdain and slavery.”
He also announced that week-old raw milk will be added to school lunch programs to promote acquired immunity on a student by student basis.
In totally unrelated economic development news: Acme Industries just announced that it will open a brand new iron lung factory in Floriduh.
The first such facility constructed in nearly a century.
“That guy Saulk pretty much put us out of business,” said an Acme spokesman. “Fortunately, Floriduh is bullish on job growth, and we’re gonna be ready for what’s comin’.”
But that’s not all folks!
Look! Up in the sky!
The Great DeSanitizer was proud to sign a new law making weather modification illegal in Floriduh.
“People have a lot of kooky ideas that they can get in and put things in the atmosphere to block the sun and save us from climate change. We’re not playing that game in Florida,” The Guv vowed, with steely-eyed determination. “The Free State of Florida means freedom from governments or private actors unilaterally applying chemicals or geoengineering to people or public spaces.”
But hold on there…
Folks who make it their business to keep a close eye on the conspiracy to turn us all into communists by spraying left leaning chemicals in the air have made a startling discovery:
They are still seeing chem trails way up there in the Floriduh skies.
And some of them now think our anti-Ron may be part of the conspiracy.
Some recent social media comments, as per the Orlando Sentinel:
— “Yes, the spraying has taken place every single day since the Ban was put in place!”
— “The invasion continues. Florida skies are under constant attack.”
— “DeSantis, why do you lie? Why do you say that you signed a Florida Bill getting rid of these hideous chemtrails, and it is all a fat big LIE?”
This official statement just in from Floriduh’s Dissimulator In Chief (DIC): “We now have conclusive evidence that the chem trails appearing over Floriduh have been drifting down from…um… Georgia.”
But that’s not all folks.
Floriduh’s new crime wave: Chalk anarchy
The new Official State Motto of Floriduh: Our politics are so vicious because the stakes are so small.
Hence the decision by Floriduh’s Self Righteous Prig In Chief (SRPC) to declare total war on street murals.
Alas, the let’s-put-our-murals-back liberal crime wave has gotten so rampant that police officers have been posted next to newly blackened streets in order to keep chalk anarchists from putting the colors back.
Consider the recent arrests of two mural anarchists in St. Petersburg.
“Two Florida pastors who were reportedly arrested while kneeling in prayer on a ‘Black History Matters’ mural have responded by saying they could not ‘stand on the sidelines.’”
The two were caught, um, red-kneed praying on a mural that FDOT workers were trying to remove.
“The pastors were taken into custody and charged with obstruction, after officers told them repeatedly that they were putting themselves and workers at risk.”
Alas, no sooner do the Forces Of Law And Order take chalk-smeared clowns into custody than some liberal judge releases them without charge.
Like that guy who blatantly chalked the bottom of his shoes and brazenly strutted over a crosswalk once painted rainbow to honor the victims of Orlando’s Pulse Nightclub shootings.
Offender Orestes Sebastian Suarez told reporters “We put some chalk down on the ground, and before we knew it, officers were approaching us, saying, hey, we want to talk to you…and before I knew it, I was in the back of a squad car.”
Then yet another liberal judge released him, citing, improbably, no probable cause.”
Or maybe it was because the guy’s lawyer pointed out that “water-soluble chalk that washes away while you’re being arrested” doesn’t amount to much of a crime.
But not to worry: Our steadfast Self Righteous Prig In Chief is sticking to his, um, guns in his war against chalk anarchists.
“It’s like they think that they should just be a law unto themselves,” said our law unto himself Guv, according to the South Florida Sun Sentinel. “You’re always gonna have the Key Wests of the world that are going to virtue signal. That’s just what they do.”
Alas, how will law and order ever prevail in the Free State of Floriduh if radical judges and loophole-jumping lawyers keep kicking these chalk anarchists loose?
Where’s our Torquemada?
But that’s not all folks.
It’s gotta be here somewhere!
CFO Blaise Ingoglia is going after Orange County for improper spending and cover ups because somebody or other told him that Orlange County is improperly spending and covering it up. A subpoena has been issued requiring Orange County officials to come clean, fess up and repent.
But wait a minute. What about those other two subpoenas?
You know, the subpoena to find out how The Great DeSanitizer laundered millions of state dollars through his wife’s charity.
And the subpoena to get to the bottom of the Guv’s unilateral appropriation of more than $200 million to build an immigrant concentration camp in the middle of the Everglades.
Which a federal judge has now ordered closed because it was illegally built in the first place.
Both subpoenas got lost in the mail no doubt.
Which brings us to the looniest tune comment of the week:
Asked about squandering millions to build Alligator Alcatraz, our Great DeSanitizer said not to worry: The feds are gonna pay us back.
“We spent money and we will get reimbursed…I don’t think there’s any question about that.”
Dude, seriously?
Trump won’t even pay his lawyers for keeping him out of jail. He’s withheld billions in federal revenues to states just because he feels like it.
You’re telling me The Donald is gonna shell out upwards of $250 million to cover the tail of a Floriduh politician who had the audacity to run against him last year?
That’s not just Daffy. It’s downright Bugs.
Da, da, da, duh, dat’s all folks!
FreeGNV 