UF President Ono: And so it begins

President Ono’s first day in office

9 am: Arrives at Tigert Hall tastefully attired in double-breasted, pin-striped sackcloth and ashes. As required by contract to atone for his previous support of such Marxist concepts as DEI, academic freedom and the First Amendment.

9:15: Breakfast with Faculty Senate. Crow is on the menu.

9:30: Signs memo relaunching dean search for the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences.

9:35: Receives call from the Governor’s Office.

9:45: Signs addendum memo stipulating that candidates for the dean search will be derived from a list of Florida Republican politicians due to be term limited out of office.

9:50: Signs addendum memo announcing that the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences will henceforth be renamed the College of Conservative Truisms.

10:30: Receives welcome to UF visit from Student Government delegation.

10:45: Has one of the delegates arrested for sitting down in his office. 

10:45 to 11:45: Mental health break. Spent in darkened office panting heavily and repeatedly into a brown paper bag. 

Noon: Lunch with UF deans. Crow on the menu. 

1 pm: Receives call from Donald Trump Jr. who offers to stop calling him a “woke psycho” in return for a $1 million investment in $TRUMP bitcoins.

1:15: Gets a call from the Governor’s Office.

1:20: Frantic call to his broker to cancel $TRUMP bitcoin purchase.

1:30: Signs addendum memo renaming the College of Conservative Truisms the College Of Hope Florida Foundation. 

1:45: Announces that, after an exhaustive search of hours duration, the “sole” candidate deemed worthy of the vacant deanship is Casey DeSantis.    

 2-4: Mental health break. Industrial strength box of brown paper bags rush-ordered from Walmart. 

6: Leaves Tigert Hall. Goes to President’s Mansion. Changes into formal black tie and tails sackcloth and ashes, as per contract. 

8: Dinner with UF Board of Trustees. Crow on the menu. 

10: Arrives back at the President’s Mansion. Goes into the President’s Personal Bathroom. Locks the door. Takes out burner phone and calls his handler at the American Association of Wild Eyed University Radicals.

“I have successfully infiltrated,” he reports in barely a whisper. “Operation Rescue DEI, Academic Freedom and the First Amendment has begun.”

Midnight: Panicked call to Walmart for more industrial strength, mental health break-worthy brown paper bags. 

1 am: Retires to bed with a vodka martini (shaken not stirred) and softly sings to himself: “We are the gender neutral persons of old Florida.”

“Ono. Santa Ono,” he murmurs to himself, as sleep finally overtakes.