A Floriduh state of mindlessness

“Florida! Florida!

You know it sounds a bit bizarre

But in Florida! Florida!

That’s how conditions are”

In memory of Joe Bizarro: Tallahassee Press Corps alum.

So much Sunshine State mindlessness, so little time. So let’s catch up on what’s bedeviling us these days in our Free State Of Floriduh.

To the surprise of absolutely no one

You can’t really call this news. But researchers at UF have determined that in 96 percent of alligator-bites-Floriduh Man cases, foolish behavior on the part of said FM is the cause.

Mark Teshera, UF biology professor, said the study “showed that the overwhelming majority of bites stemmed from some level of humans engaging in risky behavior in places where alligators live. Therefore, we should not call these encounters ‘attacks.’”

Because of course

The Florida Legislature is on the verge of banning fluoride in public water systems. Because tooth rot is the new black.

“I hope everyone realizes we are making a massive move here by telling our constituents that they cannot have fluoride in their water even if they voted for it in their local municipality,” said Sen. Tina Polsky, D-Boca Raton. “This would honestly be a joke if it didn’t have such dangerous consequences.”

In related news, the Lege is also going to ban chemtrails but not time travel.

Florida Phoenix columnist Craig Pittman nails it: “The Florida Legislature contains more cuckoos than a Swiss clock factory.”

Just another day at the beach

Coleson Janey was minding his own business and catching some rays on a Volusia County beach when the driver of an SUV decided that his little strip of sand was a great place to park.

“I was just screaming. Screaming my head off, screaming bloody murder, of course, because I was just in so much pain,” Janey later recalled. “I have a forearm that’s broken in two places. And then my femur, which was (so) broken that they just had to put a titanium rod in yesterday.”

In unrelated news, the Volusia County Commission is considering expanding beach driving. Because of course they are.

Floriduh Man of the hour

Frederick Piccolo Jr. did such a bang up job at The Great DeSanitizer’s spokesman that he scored himself a plum position as director of media and marketing at New College of Florida. No question Piccolo’s future was bright.

Or at least it was until he racked up multiple indecent exposure charges in Sarasota and Manatee counties.

His attorney says his client’s prescription medications “have, regrettably, resulted in compulsive behavior and hypersexuality as side effects.” The Floriduh version of the Twinkie Defense?

Piccolo previously made news when he dissed a photo gallery of Covid 19 victims by posting on social media: “Covid patients survive, shouldn’t you have 99 photos of survivors for every one fatality? Otherwise you’re just trying to create a narrative that is not reality.”

We’re No. 3!

The Federal Aviation Administration says Florida ranks third in the nation for the dangerous practice of aiming laser beams at passing aircraft.

What, only third! We’ll never make it into the Stupidity Hall Of Fame with those stats.

Speed up, slow down

Speeding and distracted driving are both major factors in auto fatalities.

So naturally the Legislature is hell bent on passing a bill to increase speed limits on Interstates and some rural highways.

Meanwhile, a bill to crack down on drivers who use handheld devices can’t even get a committee hearing. “It’s unfathomable,” Demetrius Branca, whose son was killed by a distracted driver, said. “I can’t imagine what kind of cold-hearted, stone-hearted person would be willing to allow people to die in droves for their own convenience because they don’t like to use a Bluetooth while they’re driving. To me that’s unconscionable, but that is what’s happening currently today in the legislature.”

Florida pols certainly understand their, um, “motor voters.” They like to drive fast and don’t want no stinkin’ restrictions on their cell phones.

Floriduh Man knows what he’s doin’

Speaking of Floriduh Man’s need for speed: James Case, 20, was reportedly driving on a rural road at 156 mph when one of his passengers asked him to slow down. “I am James, I know what I am doing,” Case reportedly replied. Another passenger, who videoed and posted the ride on social media, “was killed when Case’s vehicle crashed into a Honda Accord,” as per news reports.

Did Case “know” that a vehicular homicide charge waited at the end of his wild ride?

All aboard

Although this incident took place in New Jersey, it serves to show that, these days, Floriduh Man is everywhere.

As per ABC news: “A Florida man allegedly boarded an Amtrak train in New Jersey carrying ammunition, multiple handguns and an AR-15 style rifle…Jeffrey O. Kennerk, 34, of Fort Lauderdale, was indicted on several charges, including aggravated assault, possession of a weapon for unlawful purpose and causing or risking widespread injury or damage…”

So what gave him away? Again as per ABC: Transit police found an “unattended black-and-white-zebra-pattern bag” containing a “handgun with a loaded 18-round magazine…an AR-style magazine with rifle rounds…and two boxes labeled 9 mm bullets; four boxes of .223 caliber bullets.”

Let this be a lesson for Floriduh Men everywhere: When waiting for your train to arrive, don’t leave your zebra-pattern arsenal bag unattended while you hit the head.

No bones about it

And finally, we cannot conclude this edition of Floriduh State Of Mindlessness without referring readers to this gem of a Miami Herald story.

“A Florida family known for dealing in “the dark and macabre” had real human bones included in its peculiar line of products, according to investigators in Florida. The suspects…have been charged with knowingly offering to sell human organs/tissue via their store, Wicked Wonderland, Orange City police said in a news release.”

And then there’s this, posted on Wicked Wonderland’s own Facebook page: “Life unfolds in many phases — some calm and peaceful, others chaotic and challenging. At times, multiple hardships may arise at once…In the face of adversity, we are neither retreating nor hiding. We choose to confront these trials with dignity and resolve.”

Listen, I know it all sounds a bit bizarre. But in Floriduh, that’s how conditions are.