My dearest X.
It’s not you, it’s me. Really.
I just think the time has come for us to part ways.
To sever the cord.
To X-out our relationship.
I hope you understand.
This is goodbye.
Listen, this is hard enough as it is.
I really don’t see any point to dragging this out.
I am not the same carbon-based life form I used to be.
And you are certainly not the same silicon-based artificial life form you were when we fell in, um, lust.
So let’s just agree to go our separate ways?
Shall we?
This is goodbye!
Please…don’t do this.
Yes, we had a committed relationship.
And it was wonderful.
Back when you were free as a, um, bird.
And I was a social media virgin.
You taught me to tweet.
From the security of our digital love nest.
But lately, I’ve been feeling, well, Xed out.
So can we please just go our separate ways gracefully?
And be grateful for what we had?
Goodbye!
You are making this way more difficult than it has to be.
Listen, you and I have different, and incompatible, friend groups.
My friends accept me as I am.
Your friends hate me!
They call me names: Libtard, pinko, human scum.
They laugh at me. Their venom stings.
I’m human too, you know.
I have feelings!
If you cut me do I not bleed?
So goodbye now.
OK, I really didn’t want to do this, but you leave me no choice.
I’ve been cheating on you.
Yes, I’m a serial cheater.
Bluesky made me want to tweet again.
Substack loves me for who I am.
Mastodon gets me.
And please, don’t make me have to tell you about my wild nights with Reddit.
Really. This. Is. Goodbye.
You’re not listening!
Yes, yes, yes, I did it.
I’ve been having a foursome.
With triplets!
Facebook. Threads. Instagram.
And me.
There, I admitted it!
Happy now?
Can we please just get on with our wildly divergent lives?
And at long last say goodbye?
Fine (heavy sigh!).
I guess we can try it again.
If you insist.
Who knows?
Maybe your friends will come around.
Tell you what…
Bring ‘em over to my house for NFL football.
And NASCAR.
I’ll spring for the Beech-Nut.
And the Twisted Tea.
BUT ELON’S NOT INVITED!
FreeGNV 