Like I said in a previous post: Everything I know I learned from the movies.
So I’m supremely qualified to weigh in on the Oscars. And what I want to rant on now is possibly the worst acceptance speech of all time.
I’m talking about Cillian Murphy’s of course.
I mean, sure, he covered all the bases. Thanked the Academy. Thanked his cast and crew. Put in a pitch for “Peacemakers.” Yada, yada, yada.
Yawn!
Apparently Cillian did not receive my missive – scrawled with crayon on the back of a cardboard cutout photo of George Romero – that offered him (free of charge I might add) the Perfect Acceptance Speech For Best Actor.
(In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have sent it postage due. But that’s his loss, not mine. The Irish are notorious cheapskates.)
Still, if only for prosperity’s sake, I feel compelled to share with the world – albeit after the fact – The Cillian Murphy Acceptance Speech That Would Have Gone Down In Hollywood Legend And Lore.
Right alongside Jack Palance’s push-ups.
Here it is. Verbatim (Latin for “From The Horse’s Mouth”).
Murphy: Thank you to the academy. Finally.
I think we can all of us in the room agree that I richly deserved this award…
…for my astonishing 2002 performance in 28 Days Later.
For which, astoundingly, I didn’t even get a nomination.
Despite the fact that, back then, I was younger, better looking and able to outrun zombies that – in stark contrast to the Romero Law Of The Shambling Dead – were faster than that Bannister guy who ran a mile in under four minutes.
But I digress.
Listen, nothing against Oppenheimer. It was a pretty good flick…if a bit too long for the taste of most carbon based life forms. (And seriously: Black and white? Then color? Then B&W again? Could we just decide and get on with it, please!)
And let’s be honest here. Not only did Oppie’s bomb not End Life On Earth As We Know It – in stark contrast to the monkey virus in 28 Days Later, which I nonetheless managed to avoid by being hooked up to a life support umbilicus in the only London hospital room that did not get overrun – but during its entire, tedious 3-hour running time there was not a single undead entity anywhere in evidence.
With the possible exception of Robert Downy Jr. of course.
And not only that, but in 28DL I played a bicycle courier who had been knocked into a coma by a car. Only to revive himself and Save The World. How often does the hero get to come cycling to the rescue of humanity for goodness sakes?
All I’m saying is that, back then, I was lean, mean and an action machine.
In Oppenheimer I was just a lean (gaunt) chain smoking machine.
And anyway, I thought we were supposed to be at war with science in this here Trumpistan.
Nonetheless, Hollywood, all these years later it is clear that you like me.
You really like me.
So I’m going to give you a second chance at redemption.
I’m going to star in 28 Years Later.
To prove that I’ve Still Got It!
That I can still outrun Bannister-grade zombies.
That I still look good in wrinkled green hospital scrubs.
Oh yeah, and I want to be the next Bond too.
Thank you.
FreeGNV 